Monthly Archives: October 2016

Welcome to Great Britain. Unless you’re “foreign”, in which case, you will go on the “list”.

Guys, I’ve had an amazing idea! Lots of people are talking about the UK Government’s plans to force businesses to list their non-British workers, to “shame” them into giving British jobs for British workers. It’s Gordon Brown’s dream come true at last! Well I was thinking, that all sounds really boring, I mean who has the time to search through a list to find people to arbitrarily hate. So I’ve got an idea that will make the Government’s job and all our patriotic British lives easier, and I’m pretty sure (like, 99% sure) that no one has ever thought of it before.

How about we find all the foreigners and give them armbands to wear so we can all tell who’s coming over here, stealing our Great British jobs? Maybe make them yellow or orange, something bright so they stand out. Also I know I said the list idea was boring but actually, maybe we should still do that. And so that we can make sure everyone is on the list and we can check it easily, we need to make sure they all have a unique number. And it has to be somewhere easy to check… Got it! How about tattooing the number somewhere visible, like their forearm? Man, I am churning out these brilliant ideas today. Like I said, I’m pretty sure these have never been thought of before. They say there’s nothing new under the Sun, but I’m proving them wrong today!

Ok so that’s the foreigners-stealing-our-jobs problem sorted for now, but the Government has also said they want to start deporting people back to where they came from. I mean, what proud British patriot wouldn’t support people staying where they were born instead of travelling all round the World just to interfere in places? I mean, how un-British is that? And don’t worry, the Government aren’t completely stupid: they’ve said they won’t deport all the doctors and nurses who keep the NHS working until *after* new good British doctors and nurses have been trained. Everyone else though? Well they can just fuck off and get the next ferry back to Bongo-bongo-land, said one prominent Government official.

Well I was thinking about that as well, and I mean there are, like, millions of immigrants that the Government wants to deport. I think I have just the plan to make the Government’s life easier: we build some sort of temporary accommodation out in the countryside for them. Great, right? And because it’s only temporary, the conditions don’t have to be that good, so it’ll be more of a camp. Camping is fun, right? We should put that in the name. And it’s a place where all the foreigners can be concentrated, so they don’t keep taking British jobs and benefits. So it’s a camp where people are concentrated, but what to call it? Ah, we’ll think of a name later, I’ve got more ideas for now.

Ok, what’s next? Well I don’t know about you guys, but the sick and disabled are just such a bummer. I mean, they should be out looking for jobs but they’re just so lazy. And the Government has been trying so hard to get them to get off their backsides and get a job. The jobs that all the foreigners are taking… ok no it must be different jobs, yeah. All those other jobs that are out there. Lots of them. I mean, if you look at their record guys, the Government has been trying really hard. They keep cutting benefits for sick people, forcing them to humiliate themselves if they want to survive, I mean the Government is doing everything they can to persuade the disabled that it would just be easier to get a job instead of leeching off of us genetically-pure able-bodied folk, am I right?

Well once the foreigners have all been deported, the fun camps we built for them will be empty, so why not use those? I mean, we’d be able to find some jobs for the disabled people we put there, but it would be really hard jobs that no one else would want to do. But hey, then the disabled wouldn’t be such a burden, right? Sure, lots of them might die, but who’s going to miss them? The Government is already making sure the genetically weak can die alone and not be found for months – so this is just a natural extension of that policy. I mean, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t even need to ask the Parliament to vote on any of this, just like how they don’t need to ask about Article 50! And if we just let all the impure people die, then only the strong shall pass on their genes to the next generation! Think about how wonderful it will be to have a country full of strong, pure (and obviously white) children – I am honestly amazed that no one has thought of this before.

Ok I’m going to stop there but I have so many more ideas, so Theresa May just drop me an email (you’ve already read all my emails so you know how to get in touch) and I can help you solve even more problems! I like to think my main strength here is the joined-up thinking of my ideas. The Government has been trying some brilliant stuff to solve their problems, but if they take my ideas on board they’ll really connect all the issues and solving them will be super effective!

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In the face of the ruling party helter-skeltering into outright open racism, step forward Her Majesty’s Opposition, the Labour Party, saviours of the Union and champions of international brotherhood. The Labour Party, providing credible opposition and putting forward their own ideas to convince voters that they should be the Government instead. The Labour Party, standing up to the dangerous rhetoric of the Tories…..

Oh, maybe not.